Sunday 8 May 2016

Mother's Day 2016

I wish more than anything that I was also a Mother
 this year, but the reality is that I am not. I've been
 on the fence about whether Mother's
 Day this year would have a
 negative toll on my mind and spirit but 
luckily that hasn't been the case.
Today, I chose to venture off my infertility social
 media and focus instead on who I am celebrating this year.

 I am celebrating my own mother. 
The one who lifts me up to this day. 
Who listens with compassion on my sad days, 
and who shares in my laughter and joy on the good days. 
I choose to celebrate the way that I was brought into this 
world by a remarkable line of women. 

I also choose to celebrate my husbands Mother.
 I don't know what I would do without him by my side. 
The last couple of years have been hard, but he has been there
 to curl up to me when I'm crying myself to 
sleep, Who is there when nobody in there right
 mind would want to be near me. He is here
 because she brought him to me. 

I celebrate my sister, who raises four 
wild children, all with their own thoughts and 
values. They are loved, cherished, clothed, and happy. 

I celebrate my dearest friends who raise their little ones. 
Through tears and sleepless nights, they have such
 pride in their voices and eyes as milestones are achieved. 

I'm so lucky to have Mother's all around me. I know 
the battle to become a mother sometimes gets the 
best of me. I've seen countless posts over the last week
 about the sorrow and also the bitterness about being forgotten 
on Mother's Day. I feel blessed that I don't have
 those feelings today. 

As much as I would like to claim it, I am not a Mother.
 I don't feel like a mother. I don't own that badge, quite yet.
 Hopefully soon, but not yet. 
So today, I choose to feel blessed, grateful, and proud to know 
that when Motherhood happens for me, 
I will join the ranks of all these Mothers that I celebrate. 

image via Pinterest

Thursday 5 May 2016

Update



I decided last week that I needed to post a
 "Non update, update" because there was 
nothing new to report but I just wanted to let 
everyone know that I was still kicking around, just not in the
 infertility world. Sometimes you just need a break. 
I NEEDED a break. With as much love
 and support that the infertility world offers, it also 
can be really overwhelming to see people moving forward 
with their plans while we sat back and
 literally had to relinquish all control.

My OB/GYN sent in the referral to the RFP at 
the end of January and I knew that we would 
have at least a 3 month wait before we got an appointment. 
The relief of taking a break quickly vanished into anxiety
 about not knowing what would happen next.
 Patience is not my strong suit and the
 not knowing ANYTHING was awful.

On Tuesday May 3rd @ 11am I got the 
call we've been waiting for. We have some 
paperwork, a repeat SA, and 7 weeks to wait, 
BUT we finally have an appointment. 
When I first got off the phone, I was feeling
 really anxious. My heart was racing, I had a bit 
of a cold sweat, but I quickly realized that it 
wasn't anxiety, it was excitement. The relief of actually 
having a date is indescribable. 5 months to the day that our 
referral was sent in, we will meet 
our doctors and get some answers. 

Tuesday 22 March 2016

Anxiety Flare

Via Pinterest

My anxiety disorder has decided to put up a
 bit of a stink the last few weeks. I've been ignoring 
it and letting it kind of creep around for 
quite some time but it finally made it known that 
I can no longer avoid it. It is exhausting knowing that this 
will be a lifelong struggle for me, like many others. 
You do the things you need to do, 
feel better, slack a little, and then feel back to square
 one. I should have recognized some of the signs
 and symptoms sooner... well actually I 
did recognize them but chose to ignore
 and do nothing about it. I'm not sure why I do this to 
myself. I haven't been leaving the house again. Not to
 walk the dogs. Definitely not to get groceries.
 We've been having take out and that only
 leads to further isolation and disappointment with myself. 
I know what I need to do. Luckily I have an
 appointment with my head doctor in 10ish days.
 In the meantime I need to bust out my workbook 
and put some effort into calming this beast. 

For anybody who also suffers from mood disorder 
I HIGHLY recommend ordering this workbook
It is one that my Doctor has started using as her 
template for all her patients. 

Sunday 20 March 2016

Love Day Exchange Take Two

I signed up for a couple valentines exchanges through 
my Instagram account. One of them arrived 
on time and the lady loved it... The other never
 arrived at all! Ugh. I waited a few weeks thinking that
 maybe it would turn up either at her 
address or at mine, but no go. Completely lost.
 Sooooo.... I went out and purchased a 
second gift. I honestly like it more than 
the first one anyways. Valentine's has never
 really been my thing, Easter on 
the other hand is right up my alley. I love
 all things pastel and "eggie". Here's what I 
found for this sweet woman who has 
shown me and many others so much support.


Egg Truffles- Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory

Saturday 19 March 2016

Fave Finds

Since I've basically spent my entire week off shopping,
 I thought I would share some of my fave finds for the week!...


This mug from Anthropologie. It is soooooo
 cute. I'm a dog person myself but I hope
 my sister will love it when she gets it in the mail next week.


I also bought some of this bronzer. 
It is one that I've seen on everyones fave
 lists so I figured I should jump on the bandwagon, right?!?!?


I always have fresh flowers in the house, and this 
week I found the most beautiful peach bouquet from the 
grocery store of all places. 
SO much love for all things peach right now.


Speaking of peach, this nail polish is amazing. Love love love.

Friday 18 March 2016

Shifting Friendships

via Pinterest
 I had just turned 26 when we first decided 
to add a babe to the family. At that 
time we were the first people in our 
friends group to be married
 and nobody was even close to wanting
 children. Fast forward 4 years,
 everyone is married and we
 are the basically the last to have
 kids. In fact, some people have multiple 
children. Multiple. Needless to say, 
relationships begin to change once babes 
come into the mix. Coffee dates
 are harder to manage, a lunch date is 
nearly impossible. and when they are 
worked out, I often feel totally out of my 
league and seem to have very 
little to relate to. What was once shop talk,
 makeup talk, fashion finds and 
relationship woes have turned into 
breastfeeding and sick babe drama. 
I want to support my friends but I also want to 
feel like I'm contributing. 
Instead I'm really fucking bored.

Sunday 13 March 2016

Just Peachy

I'm LOVING all things peach. Maybe because the 
weather has been so beautiful and it feels like spring is just 
around the corner. Peach is just really tickling
 my fancy these days. I saw the
 most beautiful peach bouquet at the grocery 
store of all places and HAD to have them. I always 
try to have fresh flowers in our entry way.
 It's such a nice way to be greeted
 when I come home. I also grabbed a few
 peachy beauty products this week. One was
 in the shade "Glisten". It is one of my
 new fave products. I also picked up 
 shade "380, Peach of Cake".

Thursday 10 March 2016

Hobbies



I've been really taking the time and focusing some
 energy on my blog again. I love connecting with people 
in bloggerland but I also love the reflection
 aspect of things. Sometimes it takes writing things 
out for it all to make sense somehow. That being said, this 
blog doens't take much time and effort either. 
I don't spend countless hours writing things out 
and the thought of making and sort of video as part of this, 
makes me want to vomit. I have 
WAAAAY to much social anxiety for that. 
What I've decided is that I need something 
else to fill my time. I've been quite dedicated to making 
my turn around days fewer which means I have more 
empty days that I sit around by myself. I made a
 goal that I was going to get out of the house more... 
well that's a good and bad idea. Great in the
 sense that my overall mood is better. Bad 
in the sense that all I do is go shopping! I need job just to 
counteract my spending! I just wish that I had
 a babe to keep me busy. Although, I would 
have many more cute things to buy.

Wednesday 9 March 2016

Sleep and Crave


I've said it before and I'll say it again, I lose 
all motivation during my week of work. Day one
 and two I usually feel more motivated than ever. 
It feels good to be back at work, and then
 the sleep disturbance catches up to me. All I'm left
 with is being tired. I struggle to get out of bed to do anything. 
Nightshift takes a toll on almost 
everyone that works them. Dark under eye circles, 
headaches, nausea, and weight gain are the major 
side effects but did you know that 
premature death, type II diabetes, increased risk of heart attack, 
and strokes are also KNOWN risks. Jeez. That's motivation
 enough to try to counteract the toll it takes. I need to get more
 prepared so that the carb cravings are under
 control so I can get this weight off for the babe!

Sunday 6 March 2016

Reward System




I was trying to think of ways to keep m
 motivated, set some goals, and have rewards
 for staying on track with Weight Watchers. Since I've been
 totally into the makeup thing lately, I decided that it 
was the perfect set up for a reward system. 
Any weekly loss = $20 ish dollar makeup find 
{ a new lipstick, maybe a nail polish, new hand cream ect...}.
 The 5lb increments are a $40-$50 reward 
{a new blush or a new brush ?!?!?!}
 I'm hoping this is exactly what I need
 to stay focused. I'm so wanting the

Saturday 5 March 2016

Grateful Day No.3 & No. 4

Day No.3- "Morning" | My Bed | My Refuge | My Bedtime |

Day No. 4- "Friendship" | My Parents | My Inspiration | Lovebirds |

Grateful Day No. 2


Grateful Day No.2- "Comfort" 
  • My Loves  
  • My heart
  • My Snuggle Bugs


Friday 4 March 2016

WW Week 3

I didn't participate in weight watchers this week. 
The ovary issue had me laid out for a solid week
 and it wasn't until today that I actually 
am mostly back to normal. I actually had enough energy to 
leave the house two days in a row as well
 as make it back to work. Needless to say, the diet took the 
back burner for the week. Tomorrow 
is weigh in day and I'm looking forward to getting 
back on track. As is my tummy. I've had 
an upset tummy for the last few days. Most likely 
from all the gluten, but that's just me speculating. I'm 
planning on doing a bit more prep this 
week and committing to tracking again. Let's hope next Tuesday
 I will have something to show for it. PLUS after 
the next 5lbs, I get to head to Sephora and
 buy this face brush I'm dying to get my hands on.

Thursday 3 March 2016

Oscars 2016

I loved watching the ladies walk the carpet at
 this years Academy Awards. The glam did not disappoint! 
I was a big fan of all the deep plunge necklines and how
 sleek everyone looked. Rachel McAdams can
 do no wrong in my opinion {although her 
assistant who let her walk to carpet with those 
wrinkles did!. Normally I don't like "barbie" pink but her skin tone 
and that pink were on point!... I've also been 
completely won over by Lady Gaga's new glam look.
 Without further ado, here are my faves!



What were your faves?!?!?!

Wednesday 2 March 2016

I Am Grateful

I decided that I would participate in my FIRST 
ever photo challenge. Normally I'm a total commitment
 phob so I would never... but I'm also feeling a little 
disconnected from the TTC community and I also 
think it's a great self reflection/life reflection calendar! 
Now here's hoping I can stick to it... 



Tuesday 1 March 2016

New Finds- Sephora



I've been wanting to purchase some makeup after 
watching a ton of make up tutorials. After having 
a major sleep in and having THE talk, we decided to venture 
out and head to Sephora {Yes, I dragged Rhys along with me}. 
I literally could have spent hours in there. I've always had
 a love of Sephora but I feel like I had a better grasp
 on brands and what products have 
good reviews. I ended up purchasing the
 Nars Radiant Creamy Concealer in "Chantilly" 
and also the Hourglass Ambient Lighting Powder in "Mood light". 
I haven't actually used them yet so the jury is still out!

Monday 29 February 2016

Clearing The Air


Image via Pinterest


I'm a planner. I like things in order. I like to know where we are at.
 I like a game plan. When we received Rhys' SA 
results a month ago, I made a choice that I was going
 to allow Rhys time to process and work through his 
diagnosis and only then would we discuss next steps together. 
Well a month has gone by and I finally told him that
 I needed him to suck it up for an hour so that
 we can talk about this and what it means for our future. 
There were quite a few tears, but overall I it was a talk
 that needed to happen. I've been feeling quite
 stuck in limbo but more importantly, I've felt really lonely. 
There will be more posts about this
 {I've written about four in the last few weeks and haven't published them},
 While Rhys was off "processing" I've kind of 
been left to sort through this on my own and it's
 been really difficult. Well we were finally able to get it 
all open today and it felt good to clear the air.  
We have a game plan people. 
Honestly, it was the same game plan we had all along, which
 is wait and see what the fertility clinic says.... but it still felt like
 we took a little control back. Basically we decided that 
IVF is a one shot deal. Perhaps we will change our 
minds once we go down the rabbit hole but at this
 point I'm not prepared to commit to that. I'm hardly able to 
commit to one round to be honest. Rhys' heart isn't open to 
adoption yet, and I need to support that, as hard as it is.
 I know {and he's said} that he isn't against adoption
 but he also isn't quite sure and that is 
enough for him to say no for now. I get it. 
We also decided that we need to stop making 
decisions based on having children. For the last four 
years we have always made life choices based on pregnancy,
 mat leave, and having kids. We are stopping that right now.
 We are moving forward by making decisions that
 will make us happy if it ends up just being the two of us. 
Obviously we will be in this house for quite some time now, 
but had we lived on that principle to begin with, we 
wouldn't be paying a $3000 a month mortgage for a 
"family" home. I also would probably be close to being done
 my degree. We most likely wouldn't live in suburbia. 
We would have taken lots more holidays. 
I feel confident with the plan we've made. I'm glad we 
talked about it. Now Rhys can go back
 to being an emotional recluse. Ha!

Saturday 27 February 2016

The Great Escape


I've been having some major cravings to run away. 
A nice warm holiday, would be soooooo nice right now. We have seriously 
lucked out with the weather here in Calgary, but there's something
 about some warm sunshine that seems really appealing.
 I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that we are no longer 
"trying" to get pregnant. The first year, we weren't trying, just preventing. 
But for the last 3, it's been the monthly thoughts. 
38 months
That's a long habit to break! It's strange to think 
about not thinking about it. Ya know what I mean?!?!?! 
Anyway, the aches of last week have me dreaming of escaping to 
sunshine and salty hair.

Friday 26 February 2016

February's- "Currently, I Am"

A blog I recently discovered has a monthly column 
she does called "Currently, I am" and she 
suggested that her readers do the same. So, I am! I love
 the template and it seems fairly straight forward and reflective. 
Being reflective is always something that's good for the soul. Sooooo... 
Here is the first edition of "Currently, I am" 
brought to you by yours truly.




Currently, I am:


Enjoying

  •  The spring weather. Gosh it's been delightful to not have any snow
  • Finding energy with eating more healthy
  • Watching the scale go DOWN

Feeling

  • Sick- unfortunately. This cyst has been such a pain. Literally. A solid 5 days in bed. 
  • Blessed- The tribe I've found on Instagram has been incredible.
  • Anxious- that I will fail at this weight watchers attempt and another year will go by at the same weight

Wishing

  • That our IVF consult would come more quickly
  • That I worked regular hours for a while and I was off night shift temporarily
  • I could have a major Sephora haul

Loving

  • RHOBH- total guilty pleasure
  • Finding all these wonderful beauty Vlog's- I need to step up my beauty game
  • My Rhys. He has been taking such good care of me. 
Hating
  • Having PCO- The bitterness has been quite tangible in February
  • Dog hair. The warm weather means our dogs are shedding like mad. Our house is constantly covered.
  • My bedside table. I need to change out these cheap numbers!
Watching
  • RHOBH- Loving this season. Die hard LVP fan. I am totally loving Erika though.
  • Trying to get though the Oscar noms. I have a pretty intense weekend scheduled with the couch.
  • The people v. OJ Simpson. I haven't started this but Rhys keeps telling me that I need to, sooooo...
Reading
  • I've been terrible. I literally haven't read a page since Christmas. Any suggestions?
Cooking
  • Salmon with Green Beans has been a staple for the last few weeks
  • I had the best plain pepperoni pizza ever... and it was Papa Johns. Sad. 
  • Chicken apple sausage with pear noodle salad. Yummmm!
Drinking
  • Lots of WATER- Thanks weight watchers
  • Blue Powerade- Thanks cyst rupture
  • Coffee with almond milk creamer- best thing that's happened to me in a while. 


Thursday 25 February 2016

Under A Rock

Where the hell have I been living... Under
 a fricken rock, that's where.I just discovered
this whole new world of beauty
 bloggers and vloggers. Good grief. I feel like I need
the last 5+ years back. Amazing. Plus I have
 a treasure jar that's now burning
a hole in my drawer. My dad gave me a jar
of change {$200} for Christmas and I've been hiding
 it in my closet. Now I know EXACTLY what
I'm going to spend my treasure on. Now to
 cyber stalk which products
I will end up "hauling"...{see what I did there}
Image via Pinterest

Being Happy For Others


One of the worst parts of infertility is that bitterness creeps in
and catches you off guard. For myself, it's typically when I
have to sit in group conversations with my friends and
they are all talking about sleep schedules,
breastfeeding, birth stories ect...

There have been a few pregnancy announcements
 that catch me off guard and I've noticed a flash of
jealousy but typically they aren't the things that get
 under my skin. I'm genuinely happy for people
when family planning goes smoothly. This week
I had a flash of bitterness creep in on me. One of my
coworkers so confidently said that she would be pregnant in the next
 few weeks... I literally almost laughed in her face.
 Umm.. I hope so too, for your sake. Some people
have NOOOOOO clue what infertility
looks like, what it's about, and how to speak
respectfully about baby making.

Our neighbours told us tonight that they
 have a babe on the way and that they are super
stressed because this was not part
of their 7 year plan. Rhys kindly stated that they were lucky
 that it happened for them so easily, even if it wasn't part
 of the plan. Announcements tend to really
bother Rhys. The mere mention of pregnancy
 coming easy for people makes his skin crawl. It seems
 as though these things are getting easier for him.
 Life is too short to not share in people's happiness. 


Wednesday 24 February 2016

Cyster Update

I was feeling 90% back to normal this morning{Tuesday}.
This evening, some soreness has returned
as well as a feeling of fullness/swollen...
I'm just going to continue to play it by ear and
see how it goes. I don't want to go to emerg if
I'm basically feeling back to normal but I also don't
 want to wait and have something more sinister going
 on in there. I'm feeling relatively confident
 that this was indeed a cyst. Timing would line
up with ovulation, so I'm wondering if I have a
 leaky cyst. Who knows. More than
anything I would like some answers but I also
 don't feel comfortable tying up an already taxed
healthcare system with this. I might try my doctor
 again and see if she'll send me for an ultrasound. 


Update: I ended up going into the ER at 04:00 on
Wednesday morn. I was still having pain throughout
 the night and decided it was better to be safe
 than sorry. After a very long 6 hours, I was
 on my way with no results. Everything
 came back inconclusive. While I'm glad
 there was nothing more sinister going on, not
having any answers for the pain is also fairly frustrating. 

Tuesday 23 February 2016

Being Barren Perks

A few mornings ago Rhys and I were puttering around 
and suddenly he says to me
 "I just realized that I'll never need to get a vasectomy".... 
Small victories, I guess!


Monday 22 February 2016

Cyster Problems



Sunday 04:00- acute bloating. RLQ abdominal pain when 
I sat down to pee. Couldn't relax enough to pee.
06:00- Painful drive home sitting. Really hard 
to walk from my car to the house.
06:45- home. tender abdomen.
 guarding while palpating. 
07:00-14:00- Tried to sleep. Unable to
 get comfortable.
17:00- peak pain. 9/10. hardly able to walk.
 really difficult to get up and down stairs. Temp normal. 
19:00- dinner. felt better after.
21:00-23:00- 8x diarrhea.
23:00- shower. felt better. able to move more freely.
 abdominal heaviness has subsided but still feeling 
very swollen. painful while moving.
Monday 06:00- still painful but overall feeling better.
14:00- pain seems fairly resolved but perhaps 
an u/s could show what is going on
16:00- Doctors appointment. bumpy drive has aggravated 
abdomen. pain 6/10. advised to go to emerg for diagnostics.
23:00- current time. At home. May head to emerg in AM.

Needless to say, it's been a very long 48 hours. 
I'm starting to feel back to normal which is why I'm not sure 
if I will head to emerg tomorrow or not. It would be really 
nice to know what the hell is going on. It's certainly odd. 
I've had four other cyst ruptures and although there are similarities,
 it def is different. Normally it's pain 10/10 within an hour and then 
4 hours later, I'm fine. The fact that this has been ongoing for
 such a long period of time has me more concerned with appy.
 I also would have thought it was maybe ectopic because it 
seems to be intermittent pain at this point but again, with
 the SA analysis results, it seems highly unlikely. Either way, awful. 
I would like answers but I kind of doubt I'll get any at this point.

Sunday 21 February 2016

What's Next


There was a job that came open last week that I initially
wasn't sure I even wanted. As I prepared for the interview, thinking
 of all the reasons why this job would be a good fit, I convinced 
myself that maybe this is exactly what Ive been looking for.
Regular hours, more career advancement, some new learning
opportunities. Needless to say, someone more senior got the job. 
Although I'm disappointed, I would have chosen her too.
My procrastination with my certificate caught up with me. 
I just keep feeling like I'm putting our life on hold, waiting for a babe
to make an appearance. What if that isn't in the cards for us?!?!
How long will it take for that dream to become a reality?!?!
It's not something that we can even plan out at this point.

I've considered going back to school for the last few years.
I like my job but that's what it is. A job. If we never have 
a babe, our careers are going to end up being 
an important part of our life. I want to enjoy my job and
be able to make it rewarding. I want to be able to have a
 job that will give us the oppotunity to move to Victoria. 
In the time we've been in pursuit of a
babe, I could be finished my degree! That's a long fricken time
we've been waiting in limbo. Obviously being a student and 
being pregnant are not very conducive but in reality it 
could be years before that happens and if it does, then it
would be a dream come true and we will make it work.
I'm just ready to jump off the roller coaster and take control
of a few things. I can't just sit around expecting things to change
but not be actively changing it! Soooooo.... I officially applied
 for school last night when I was at work.
Luckily I've already taken half the course in the first year so it should
be a pretty standard work load. Time table dependent, I'm hoping I can 
keep my .7 and just plug away. I can't see why I wouldn't be able
to manage the first year. Year two might be a bit of a juggle but it's 
only one year. In the meantime, I have something exciting to
look forward to. It feels good to be taking more control 
of our life and building the future we want.

Saturday 20 February 2016

First Exposure

I needed to go to the fertility clinic here in Calgary, to
pick up a supplement for Rhys. I had never been to the
Regional Fertility Program, and boy was I nervous.
I don't know what came over me but as I sat in the car,
I had do a few breathing excersises. I all of a sudden felt
short of breath and all clammy, heart pounding. It
didn't help that my car started acting funny while
I pulled into the parkade.
When the clinic finally opened at 07:30, I headed in
to find the pharmacy and I wasn't expecting that it was actually
just a little window in the fertility clinic waiting room.
The pharmacy didn't open until 07:45 so I had to have a seat in the
waiting room. I can't belive how fricken busy that place is.
I was floored. It was insane. I grabbed a chair
and sat there people watching, as people were called
number by number.  This overwhelming sense of loss came over me
. All these families, all these women, are going 
through the exact same thing I am.
I know that they, just like I, have laid on their bathroom floor
and cried over why my body has failed me, and why I've
failed my body. I know that they've purchased
hundreds of dollars in pregnancy tests, that all show up with one 
single line. I know that they've put on brave faces 
while they felt like they were suffocating
as you listen to hours of your friends talk about their babies. I know
what it's like to be on the receiving end of complaining texts
of friends talking about their babies and feel guilty for feeling sorry for yourself.
 There is a sisterhood in infertility.



P.S I totally saw one of the Radiologists I work with as I was leaving,
and I totally hid behind a door. 

Thursday 18 February 2016

The Dreaded Interview

I applied for a new position at the hospital I currently
work at. Same job, different FTE, different shift.
I was hesitant to even apply because I think that the crazy
IVF cycle would work better with my current .7 nights
rotation. BUT, I'm also feeling really tired. I've been working
straight nights for the last 3 years and before that I worked
2 years of evenings. I've been a .7 {1 week on, 1 week off} for 
the last 5 years, and while it has been good to me, it is 
also half of my weekends GONE. Rhys works Mon-Fri,
which means we only spend 4 days a month together. 
I'm ready for a bit more work/life balance and 
if I have to take my sick bank or vacation time while
I'm doing IVF, then I will just have to do that.

The interview actually went really well. I prepped by going
over the 50 most common interview questions and it also had 
a few basic tips on answers. Overall that really helped me articulate.
Often in the past, I had a hard time saying what my strengths
are and I no problem saying what my 
weak areas are. The review beforehand had awesome tips for
how to navigate that! I also love my manager and supervisor, so 
that made the interview a ton easier as well. 
In the end, they said they needed to consult the union to see
if they could make work what they wanted. It sounded like, if they
had to support of the union, I would have the job... 
That being said, someone with more seniority and their CTIC
applied which means I very well might have to wait until 
something else opens up. I should know sometime next week.
I'm definitely not holding my breath but man would
it be nice to have a bit more balance!
Either way, I got a new necklace out of the deal. 


Sunday 14 February 2016

LoVe ExChAnGe

I was so excited when one of the lovely ladies from our
infertility group offered to put together a Valentine's card exchange.
I was too late in signing up for the Christmas one and was so 
disappointed that I missed it. This one had a huge response 
with 68 ladies signing up, so I opted to partake in the smaller
 group. I had such a fun time writing messages and sending out
a little love. I also received some really thoughtful packages that came
without warning. It is no nice to be thought of and knowing that 
there are lots of ladies who know exactly what you're going through.
It was such a delight getting my mail this week and having all these cards to
look forward to!






Thursday 11 February 2016

Nutra-Ception

I zipped down the hill to the Regional
Fertility Program pharmacy after my shift was over on
Monday morning to pick up a supplement developed
by the RE's and Urologists there. It's called
 Nutra-Ception, and apparently helps with 
sperm morph. We'll see. It also states that it needs to be
taken for 3 consecutive months for it to show any
quality improvement. It might end up lining up perfectly
for when we get our appointment. I'm excited and hopeful to see if 
it works. That would be amazing. I know we would still
end up needing ICSI but maybe it would
give it that much more of a boost to be successful. Time will tell.




Wednesday 10 February 2016

WW Week One

Overall, week one went fairly smoothly. I know I need
to do a bit more planning and meal prep for my week of work. 
I ate a ton of Subway salads, which were really satisfying and
did the trick! I found a couple easy things to be able to whip 
up from M&M meatshops, which taste like cheat
meals and are low in SP. This week, my goal is to drink more
water and keep focused on eating most of my points daily. Last
week there were numerous days that I only ate half my points. 
Probably why I was hungry!

Monday 8 February 2016

Monday Morning Thoughts


 

As I sat in my car waiting for the clinic
to open, I started thinking to myself that this isn't what I want.
These are some of my thoughts I wrote down at the moment...
"I'm not going in", "I'm not even going to the clinic, I'm just grabbing supplements", 
"Nobody will remember you in 4-6 months", "I'm too fat for this",
 "I'm not going to make a good first impression"... 
Holy, social anxiety for the win. Jeez. I've made so much progress but
 I need to remember that it will be a battle for the rest of my life and it's 
something I need to continue to work on and put effort into. Infertility
 isn't just the battle against your body. It isn't just about
 the physical parts of you that are failing you. It 
is so much more. It's about the little conversations
 that happen in your head. It's about the feelings of not
 being good enough. It's about feeling like you don't deserve this.




7 of 7

I'm stoked to be done my final shift in 2.5 hours... and 
I'm definitely counting the minutes. 
I looked at my calendar this morning and although
it looks like there isn't much on the slate for the 
week, I have a gut feeling that it's going to end up being a 
busy one. I know I need a couple friend dates as well
as following up with my referrals. Currently I'm waiting for 2
referrals to go through. Hopefully the one with the RE for myself
will be ready to schedule in the next 2 weeks or so. I also need
to get some blood work done for my liver enzymes and set up
an ultrasound follow up for the cyst.
Somewhere in there, I'm hoping to catch up on some sleep. I
have some major eye bags going on right now. Thumb down!

Thursday 4 February 2016

Relief

I almost feel guilty for writing this. Almost. 
The sadness of last weeks news, has turned into bliss.
Bliss... yes, bliss. I feel the weight of the world, off my 
shoulders right now. While I know that this is temporary and 
we have an even bigger battle to fight, I needed a break. 
I need to lick my wounds, let me soul heal, and be 
ready to fight once again. I'm thinking I have approx. 6 months
until we get our consultation with the Regional Fertility Program.
I'm hoping to use that time wisely and get as healthy as
possible. My spirit already feels lighter though. Even this
temporary break feels like it was "meant to be".

Wednesday 3 February 2016

New Member

I finally bit the bullet and joined Weight Watchers. I've contemplated 
joining on and off for the last few years but I wasn't brave enough
to just go! Why was I afraid of the judgement of a bunch of
people who were also members?!?!?!
Social anxiety makes things quite distorted from reality. 
It was also proof as to how far I've come in the last year with
anxiety. I'm so hoping that this is just one more step in
my health journey. Getting the news last week that IVF was 
a for sure, kind of gave me a kick in the ass to get my $h!t together!
I just want to be as healthy as possible so that IVF doesn't take a 
huge toll. {wishful thinking, I know}... Anyway, thanks for 
following along and for all the well wishes and support today! 


Tuesday 2 February 2016

My Family

Rhys is still a tad withdrawn from the emotional 
turbulence of the week. I was really shocked by the news
but I'm not feeling the hangover from it either.
Perhaps because it isn't me? Maybe because I'm not 
feeling the weight of the guilt? Not exactly sure. He
seems to be handling this in waves. He's fine for a few hours 
and then sad for a few. He's also been angry, confused,
in denial.... it really has passed most of the grief stages.
I guess that's normal? No clue. I'm not a therapist. 
But observations seem to say that's exactly what's going on. 
He came home from work Thursday and was in a pleasant mood.
He said he was feeling more settled with this. The night went 
smoothly and I thought we were in the clear. 
When he got home from work on Friday, he seemed
a little bit off but I didn't think too much of it because the
day before he was fine.
He was about to climb into the 
and said "I've been thinking about it, and I think we should 
split up. There's still lots of time for you to meet someone else, 
and have a family".
{insert stomach drop here}
Rhys is my family. 
So of course, that's what I told him.
He got teary eyed, said "okay" and turned around and 
hopped in the shower.
I guess it will take a bit more time for the sting to go away.