Wednesday, 3 February 2016

New Member

I finally bit the bullet and joined Weight Watchers. I've contemplated 
joining on and off for the last few years but I wasn't brave enough
to just go! Why was I afraid of the judgement of a bunch of
people who were also members?!?!?!
Social anxiety makes things quite distorted from reality. 
It was also proof as to how far I've come in the last year with
anxiety. I'm so hoping that this is just one more step in
my health journey. Getting the news last week that IVF was 
a for sure, kind of gave me a kick in the ass to get my $h!t together!
I just want to be as healthy as possible so that IVF doesn't take a 
huge toll. {wishful thinking, I know}... Anyway, thanks for 
following along and for all the well wishes and support today! 


Tuesday, 2 February 2016

My Family

Rhys is still a tad withdrawn from the emotional 
turbulence of the week. I was really shocked by the news
but I'm not feeling the hangover from it either.
Perhaps because it isn't me? Maybe because I'm not 
feeling the weight of the guilt? Not exactly sure. He
seems to be handling this in waves. He's fine for a few hours 
and then sad for a few. He's also been angry, confused,
in denial.... it really has passed most of the grief stages.
I guess that's normal? No clue. I'm not a therapist. 
But observations seem to say that's exactly what's going on. 
He came home from work Thursday and was in a pleasant mood.
He said he was feeling more settled with this. The night went 
smoothly and I thought we were in the clear. 
When he got home from work on Friday, he seemed
a little bit off but I didn't think too much of it because the
day before he was fine.
He was about to climb into the 
and said "I've been thinking about it, and I think we should 
split up. There's still lots of time for you to meet someone else, 
and have a family".
{insert stomach drop here}
Rhys is my family. 
So of course, that's what I told him.
He got teary eyed, said "okay" and turned around and 
hopped in the shower.
I guess it will take a bit more time for the sting to go away.

Monday, 1 February 2016

Waitlisted

January 26th 2016 will be one of those days burned into you.
 "100% of Rhys' sperm have morphology.
You will definitely need IVF with ICSI".... and then the flood gates opened.
 I blinked a few times, trying to get the tears under control.
 "I'm so sorry" is what officially did me in.
Never words you want to hear, coming from your doctors mouth.
The rest of the appointment is a bit of a blur. I always thought
 it was dumb, whenpeople said they got bad medical news
, and somehow disassociated. I kind of thought "those"
 people were idiots. Pay attention man, this is important!
But there I was, thinking in my head
-"pull yourself together", "this is ridiculous", "you're making her uncomfortable".
I remember her saying that Calgary had the second best fertility
program in Canada and "if anyone will get you pregnant, they will"...
I'm not sure if that's reassuring anymore!I then walked through the hospital,
crying. Looking like a complete fool.{And took an obligatory selfie to mark the date}
I had made prior arrangements to go see a friend.
{because remember- the nurse was an idiot}
All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and shut out the world.
How was I going to tell Rhys?
 What would I even say?
Why was this happening to us?
I knew that Rhys would be upset. I was not prepared forthe utter devastation.
 The immediate guttural breakdown.
 It was truly the most heartbreaking moment of our marriage. 
The last few days have been very raw. Small moments havecaught both of us off guard. 
Infertility changes people. 
That, I know to be true.I also know that we have grown
 together for the most part. This has proven to be the most 
difficult. We weren't prepared.Yet we will move forward. We are lucky. 
We have options, when many others don't .

Sunday, 31 January 2016

Coming Clean



December 23rd 2011 was the last day I took birth control. 
We were gearing up for our March wedding and knew that we
 wanted to have a family right away. I didn't expect
 to get pregnant right away, so at that point we "pulled the goalie". 
March 17th 2012, we got married. 
Still off in lala land thinking eventually it would happen. 
I wasn't paying attention to timing or temp tracking at that point, 
just playing things by ear and taking pregnancy tests monthly. 
August 19th 2012 I started working with one of my now besties, Meg. 
Meg had suffered a miscarriage a year prior and had been trying to 
get pregnant ever since. She was currently waiting for her appointment 
at the Regional Fertility Program. She recommended I 
purchase the book called "Taking control of your fertility". 
It had so much information and I kind of got the feeling at that
 point, that things were going to be much more complicated 
than I thought. I knew I wasn't ovulating, my periods 
were still few and far between and my basal body temps were all over
 the map. I still wasn't ready to go to the doctor, PLUS we 
hadn't been trying for the token one year anyways. 
August 30th 2013 I went to my doctor because 
I was having right upper quadrant pain, she shipped me 
for an ultrasound where they discovered a solid mass 
{which we now now is a cyst} that was measuring 4x4x5 cm.
 About the size of a large plum. Let the fun begin! 
Initially there was a bit of a panic. Referral was sent in for me
 to see an OB/GYN for a surgical consult. It's large enough to 
cause ovarian torsion but they also aren't quite sure what this 
mass like thing is. After numerous blood tests, repeat 
ultrasounds, and monitoring, we decide to not surgically 
remove it. My anxiety was peaking and I wasn't even prepared
 for that. In the meantime, I am also referred to a different 
OB/GYN for colposcopy. Not fun. The fist one came back 
 inconclusive so a repeat is performed and then another as a monitor! 
This basically tied up a solid 2 year of monitoring. 
The concern of course was that the mass would 
1. Grow 2. Spread to my other ovary {metastases} 3. cause Ovarian torsion
 which would warrant emergency surgery. 
August 11th 2015 I went in for my normal follow up and 
at that point basically got the go ahead that the mass 
wasn't growing, all my CA125 {cancer markers} blood work 
kept coming back negative and that if I chose not to have surgery, 
she would leave that up to me. Because I hadn't had a full flow period in 
over a year, she wanted to do an endometrial biopsy. 
She did explain that 
although unlikely for endometrial cancer to show 
up in a 30 year old, I would be the put in the high risk 
category due to amenorrhea {not getting periods}.  
September 23rd 2015, We met with an adoption agency in 
Calgary. I feel the adoption calling deep in my soul. Rhys
feels like he would rather give the fertility treatments an
honest effort and then move on if it doesn't work.
Endometrial biopsy happened on October 20th 2015.
 Painful. Only way to describe it. Really really painful. 
They attempted 4 different times to get tissue samples and then 
we called it a day. The whole procedure was only about 15 minutes
 but probably one of the most painful things I've experienced 
to date. Results- inconclusive. Of course they were. 
At this point my doctor is now on mat leave and her 
locum says she doesn't think a repeat is necessary 
and sends me on my way with a prescription for Provera. 
November 10th 2015. Provera period from hell. WORST
 ever. I literally can't leave my house for about
 4 days because I'm bleeding through everything 
like an uneducated 15 year old girl. Everything. 
December 12th 2015, my period shows up on cycle day 35! 
Woo-Hoo! Usually that means you ovulated. Shocker. 
Of course it also means that you usually aren't pregnant. 
Oh well, I have a prescription for Clomid. 
Here we go! On our way to Baby Williams!
Medicated cycle trauma. Can you say HOT FLASHES. Whoa. 
Was not expecting that. They are no joke. Neither are the Clomid crazies
nor the extreme low mood changes.
 Of course ovulation was due to happen right over the holidays. 
Nothing says family holiday like timed intercourse. 
If I had a gun to head emojii, I would be inserting it here. 
We were both sooooo glad when that was over. The OPK said I ovulated
 on January 2nd 2016 and Rhys had his semen analysis on the 8th. 
By January 4th 2016 we said good bye to timed intercourse. 
Phewf. The next week I called for my blood results
 {did I forget to mention I had to go for 
on day 21 and 28 of my cycle.... oops!}
... not that it mattered because my progesterone 
was lower than a 5 year old girls would be. 1.7 to be exact.
 It needs to be AT LEAST 15 to signal ovulation occurred. Crushed.
 I still convinced myself that the blood work MUST have been wrong and
 peed on about 10 pregnancy tests for 10 days in a row, just for tortures sake. 
Rhys also calls his family doctor and the nurse at the clinic 
tells him that his results are really bad. Bad bad were her exact words. 
She's an idiot {obviously}.  I had an OB/GYN appointment booked 
on January 26th so I decided to hold out starting another medicated 
cycle until we got things hammered out with my doctor. No way I 
wanted to do another stressful cycle. 
Besides, I'm now due for my monitor ultrasound for that pesky cyst. 
January 26th 2016. I look like an idiot showing up unprepared because 
Rhys' doctor didn't send over the results from his semen analysis. 
20 minutes of detective work, which includes calling the lab, 
calling Rhys {his phone was off}, 
calling his mother {to find out his doctors name} {I blanked under pressure},
 finally his doctors office! A few little lies on behalf of my doctor
 and shazam, results! The nurse isn't such an idiot after all. 
They are bad. Bad bad in fact. 
We are now on the waitlist for the Regional Fertility Program.
 At least I got a few sympathy tears out {which was actually
 horribly embarrassing to the social anxiety monster I am},
 to make up for my doctor needing to be a private investigator. 
Apparently being a preemie and having the mumps
 does not do wonders for sperm. Who knew.
Off for IVF we go!

We Meet Again