Clearing The Air

Image via Pinterest

I'm a planner. I like things in order. I like to know where we are at.

 I like a game plan. When we received Rhys' SA 

results a month ago, I made a choice that I was going

 to allow Rhys time to process and work through his 

diagnosis and only then would we discuss next steps together. 

Well a month has gone by and I finally told him that

 I needed him to suck it up for an hour so that

 we can talk about this and what it means for our future. 

There were quite a few tears, but overall I it was a talk

 that needed to happen. I've been feeling quite

 stuck in limbo but more importantly, I've felt really lonely. 

There will be more posts about this

 {I've written about four in the last few weeks and haven't published them},

 While Rhys was off "processing" I've kind of 

been left to sort through this on my own and it's

 been really difficult. Well we were finally able to get it 

all open today and it felt good to clear the air.  

We have a game plan people. 

Honestly, it was the same game plan we had all along, which

 is wait and see what the fertility clinic says.... but it still felt like

 we took a little control back. Basically we decided that 

IVF is a one shot deal. Perhaps we will change our 

minds once we go down the rabbit hole but at this

 point I'm not prepared to commit to that. I'm hardly able to 

commit to one round to be honest. Rhys' heart isn't open to 

adoption yet, and I need to support that, as hard as it is.

 I know {and he's said} that he isn't against adoption

 but he also isn't quite sure and that is 

enough for him to say no for now. I get it. 

We also decided that we need to stop making 

decisions based on having children. For the last four 

years we have always made life choices based on pregnancy,

 mat leave, and having kids. We are stopping that right now.

 We are moving forward by making decisions that

 will make us happy if it ends up just being the two of us. 

Obviously we will be in this house for quite some time now, 

but had we lived on that principle to begin with, we 

wouldn't be paying a $3000 a month mortgage for a 

"family" home. I also would probably be close to being done

 my degree. We most likely wouldn't live in suburbia. 

We would have taken lots more holidays. 

I feel confident with the plan we've made. I'm glad we 

talked about it. Now Rhys can go back

 to being an emotional recluse. Ha!

The Great Escape

I've been having some major cravings to run away. 

A nice warm holiday, would be soooooo nice right now. We have seriously 

lucked out with the weather here in Calgary, but there's something

 about some warm sunshine that seems really appealing.

 I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that we are no longer 

"trying" to get pregnant. The first year, we weren't trying, just preventing. 

But for the last 3, it's been the monthly thoughts. 

38 months

That's a long habit to break! It's strange to think 

about not thinking about it. Ya know what I mean?!?!?! 

Anyway, the aches of last week have me dreaming of escaping to 

sunshine and salty hair.

February's- "Currently, I Am"

A blog I recently discovered has a monthly column 

she does called "Currently, I am" and she 

suggested that her readers do the same. So, I am! I love

 the template and it seems fairly straight forward and reflective. 

Being reflective is always something that's good for the soul. Sooooo... 

Here is the first edition of "Currently, I am" 

brought to you by yours truly.

Currently, I am:

Enjoying

•  The spring weather. Gosh it's been delightful to not have any snow
• Finding energy with eating more healthy
• Watching the scale go DOWN

Feeling

• Sick- unfortunately. This cyst has been such a pain. Literally. A solid 5 days in bed. 
• Blessed- The tribe I've found on Instagram has been incredible.
• Anxious- that I will fail at this weight watchers attempt and another year will go by at the same weight

Wishing

• That our IVF consult would come more quickly
• That I worked regular hours for a while and I was off night shift temporarily
• I could have a major Sephora haul

Loving

• RHOBH- total guilty pleasure
• Finding all these wonderful beauty Vlog's- I need to step up my beauty game
• My Rhys. He has been taking such good care of me. 

Hating

• Having PCO- The bitterness has been quite tangible in February
• Dog hair. The warm weather means our dogs are shedding like mad. Our house is constantly covered.
• My bedside table. I need to change out these cheap numbers!

Watching

• RHOBH- Loving this season. Die hard LVP fan. I am totally loving Erika though.
• Trying to get though the Oscar noms. I have a pretty intense weekend scheduled with the couch.
• The people v. OJ Simpson. I haven't started this but Rhys keeps telling me that I need to, sooooo...

Reading

• I've been terrible. I literally haven't read a page since Christmas. Any suggestions?

Cooking

• Salmon with Green Beans has been a staple for the last few weeks
• I had the best plain pepperoni pizza ever... and it was Papa Johns. Sad. 
• Chicken apple sausage with pear noodle salad. Yummmm!

Drinking

• Lots of WATER- Thanks weight watchers
• Blue Powerade- Thanks cyst rupture
• Coffee with almond milk creamer- best thing that's happened to me in a while. 

Under A Rock

Where the hell have I been living... Under
 a fricken rock, that's where.I just discovered
this whole new world of beauty
 bloggers and vloggers. Good grief. I feel like I need
the last 5+ years back. Amazing. Plus I have
 a treasure jar that's now burning
a hole in my drawer. My dad gave me a jar
of change {$200} for Christmas and I've been hiding
 it in my closet. Now I know EXACTLY what
I'm going to spend my treasure on. Now to
 cyber stalk which products

I will end up "hauling"...{see what I did there}

Image via Pinterest

Being Happy For Others

One of the worst parts of infertility is that bitterness creeps in
and catches you off guard. For myself, it's typically when I
have to sit in group conversations with my friends and
they are all talking about sleep schedules,
breastfeeding, birth stories ect...

There have been a few pregnancy announcements
 that catch me off guard and I've noticed a flash of
jealousy but typically they aren't the things that get
 under my skin. I'm genuinely happy for people
when family planning goes smoothly. This week
I had a flash of bitterness creep in on me. One of my
coworkers so confidently said that she would be pregnant in the next
 few weeks... I literally almost laughed in her face.
 Umm.. I hope so too, for your sake. Some people
have NOOOOOO clue what infertility
looks like, what it's about, and how to speak
respectfully about baby making.

Our neighbours told us tonight that they
 have a babe on the way and that they are super
stressed because this was not part
of their 7 year plan. Rhys kindly stated that they were lucky
 that it happened for them so easily, even if it wasn't part
 of the plan. Announcements tend to really
bother Rhys. The mere mention of pregnancy
 coming easy for people makes his skin crawl. It seems
 as though these things are getting easier for him.
 Life is too short to not share in people's happiness.