Clearing The Air

Image via Pinterest

I'm a planner. I like things in order. I like to know where we are at.

 I like a game plan. When we received Rhys' SA 

results a month ago, I made a choice that I was going

 to allow Rhys time to process and work through his 

diagnosis and only then would we discuss next steps together. 

Well a month has gone by and I finally told him that

 I needed him to suck it up for an hour so that

 we can talk about this and what it means for our future. 

There were quite a few tears, but overall I it was a talk

 that needed to happen. I've been feeling quite

 stuck in limbo but more importantly, I've felt really lonely. 

There will be more posts about this

 {I've written about four in the last few weeks and haven't published them},

 While Rhys was off "processing" I've kind of 

been left to sort through this on my own and it's

 been really difficult. Well we were finally able to get it 

all open today and it felt good to clear the air.  

We have a game plan people. 

Honestly, it was the same game plan we had all along, which

 is wait and see what the fertility clinic says.... but it still felt like

 we took a little control back. Basically we decided that 

IVF is a one shot deal. Perhaps we will change our 

minds once we go down the rabbit hole but at this

 point I'm not prepared to commit to that. I'm hardly able to 

commit to one round to be honest. Rhys' heart isn't open to 

adoption yet, and I need to support that, as hard as it is.

 I know {and he's said} that he isn't against adoption

 but he also isn't quite sure and that is 

enough for him to say no for now. I get it. 

We also decided that we need to stop making 

decisions based on having children. For the last four 

years we have always made life choices based on pregnancy,

 mat leave, and having kids. We are stopping that right now.

 We are moving forward by making decisions that

 will make us happy if it ends up just being the two of us. 

Obviously we will be in this house for quite some time now, 

but had we lived on that principle to begin with, we 

wouldn't be paying a $3000 a month mortgage for a 

"family" home. I also would probably be close to being done

 my degree. We most likely wouldn't live in suburbia. 

We would have taken lots more holidays. 

I feel confident with the plan we've made. I'm glad we 

talked about it. Now Rhys can go back

 to being an emotional recluse. Ha!

The Great Escape

I've been having some major cravings to run away. 

A nice warm holiday, would be soooooo nice right now. We have seriously 

lucked out with the weather here in Calgary, but there's something

 about some warm sunshine that seems really appealing.

 I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that we are no longer 

"trying" to get pregnant. The first year, we weren't trying, just preventing. 

But for the last 3, it's been the monthly thoughts. 

38 months

That's a long habit to break! It's strange to think 

about not thinking about it. Ya know what I mean?!?!?! 

Anyway, the aches of last week have me dreaming of escaping to 

sunshine and salty hair.

February's- "Currently, I Am"

A blog I recently discovered has a monthly column 

she does called "Currently, I am" and she 

suggested that her readers do the same. So, I am! I love

 the template and it seems fairly straight forward and reflective. 

Being reflective is always something that's good for the soul. Sooooo... 

Here is the first edition of "Currently, I am" 

brought to you by yours truly.

Currently, I am:

Enjoying

•  The spring weather. Gosh it's been delightful to not have any snow
• Finding energy with eating more healthy
• Watching the scale go DOWN

Feeling

• Sick- unfortunately. This cyst has been such a pain. Literally. A solid 5 days in bed. 
• Blessed- The tribe I've found on Instagram has been incredible.
• Anxious- that I will fail at this weight watchers attempt and another year will go by at the same weight

Wishing

• That our IVF consult would come more quickly
• That I worked regular hours for a while and I was off night shift temporarily
• I could have a major Sephora haul

Loving

• RHOBH- total guilty pleasure
• Finding all these wonderful beauty Vlog's- I need to step up my beauty game
• My Rhys. He has been taking such good care of me. 

Hating

• Having PCO- The bitterness has been quite tangible in February
• Dog hair. The warm weather means our dogs are shedding like mad. Our house is constantly covered.
• My bedside table. I need to change out these cheap numbers!

Watching

• RHOBH- Loving this season. Die hard LVP fan. I am totally loving Erika though.
• Trying to get though the Oscar noms. I have a pretty intense weekend scheduled with the couch.
• The people v. OJ Simpson. I haven't started this but Rhys keeps telling me that I need to, sooooo...

Reading

• I've been terrible. I literally haven't read a page since Christmas. Any suggestions?

Cooking

• Salmon with Green Beans has been a staple for the last few weeks
• I had the best plain pepperoni pizza ever... and it was Papa Johns. Sad. 
• Chicken apple sausage with pear noodle salad. Yummmm!

Drinking

• Lots of WATER- Thanks weight watchers
• Blue Powerade- Thanks cyst rupture
• Coffee with almond milk creamer- best thing that's happened to me in a while. 

Under A Rock

Where the hell have I been living... Under
 a fricken rock, that's where.I just discovered
this whole new world of beauty
 bloggers and vloggers. Good grief. I feel like I need
the last 5+ years back. Amazing. Plus I have
 a treasure jar that's now burning
a hole in my drawer. My dad gave me a jar
of change {$200} for Christmas and I've been hiding
 it in my closet. Now I know EXACTLY what
I'm going to spend my treasure on. Now to
 cyber stalk which products

I will end up "hauling"...{see what I did there}

Image via Pinterest

Being Happy For Others

One of the worst parts of infertility is that bitterness creeps in
and catches you off guard. For myself, it's typically when I
have to sit in group conversations with my friends and
they are all talking about sleep schedules,
breastfeeding, birth stories ect...

There have been a few pregnancy announcements
 that catch me off guard and I've noticed a flash of
jealousy but typically they aren't the things that get
 under my skin. I'm genuinely happy for people
when family planning goes smoothly. This week
I had a flash of bitterness creep in on me. One of my
coworkers so confidently said that she would be pregnant in the next
 few weeks... I literally almost laughed in her face.
 Umm.. I hope so too, for your sake. Some people
have NOOOOOO clue what infertility
looks like, what it's about, and how to speak
respectfully about baby making.

Our neighbours told us tonight that they
 have a babe on the way and that they are super
stressed because this was not part
of their 7 year plan. Rhys kindly stated that they were lucky
 that it happened for them so easily, even if it wasn't part
 of the plan. Announcements tend to really
bother Rhys. The mere mention of pregnancy
 coming easy for people makes his skin crawl. It seems
 as though these things are getting easier for him.
 Life is too short to not share in people's happiness. 

Cyster Update

I was feeling 90% back to normal this morning{Tuesday}.
This evening, some soreness has returned
as well as a feeling of fullness/swollen...
I'm just going to continue to play it by ear and
see how it goes. I don't want to go to emerg if
I'm basically feeling back to normal but I also don't
 want to wait and have something more sinister going
 on in there. I'm feeling relatively confident
 that this was indeed a cyst. Timing would line
up with ovulation, so I'm wondering if I have a
 leaky cyst. Who knows. More than
anything I would like some answers but I also
 don't feel comfortable tying up an already taxed
healthcare system with this. I might try my doctor
 again and see if she'll send me for an ultrasound. 

Update: I ended up going into the ER at 04:00 on
Wednesday morn. I was still having pain throughout
 the night and decided it was better to be safe
 than sorry. After a very long 6 hours, I was
 on my way with no results. Everything
 came back inconclusive. While I'm glad
 there was nothing more sinister going on, not
having any answers for the pain is also fairly frustrating. 

Being Barren Perks

A few mornings ago Rhys and I were puttering around 

and suddenly he says to me

 "I just realized that I'll never need to get a vasectomy".... 

Small victories, I guess!

Cyster Problems

Sunday 04:00- acute bloating. RLQ abdominal pain when 

I sat down to pee. Couldn't relax enough to pee.

06:00- Painful drive home sitting. Really hard 

to walk from my car to the house.

06:45- home. tender abdomen.

 guarding while palpating. 

07:00-14:00- Tried to sleep. Unable to

 get comfortable.

17:00- peak pain. 9/10. hardly able to walk.

 really difficult to get up and down stairs. Temp normal. 

19:00- dinner. felt better after.

21:00-23:00- 8x diarrhea.

23:00- shower. felt better. able to move more freely.

 abdominal heaviness has subsided but still feeling 

very swollen. painful while moving.

Monday 06:00- still painful but overall feeling better.

14:00- pain seems fairly resolved but perhaps 

an u/s could show what is going on

16:00- Doctors appointment. bumpy drive has aggravated 

abdomen. pain 6/10. advised to go to emerg for diagnostics.

23:00- current time. At home. May head to emerg in AM.

Needless to say, it's been a very long 48 hours. 

I'm starting to feel back to normal which is why I'm not sure 

if I will head to emerg tomorrow or not. It would be really 

nice to know what the hell is going on. It's certainly odd. 

I've had four other cyst ruptures and although there are similarities,

 it def is different. Normally it's pain 10/10 within an hour and then 

4 hours later, I'm fine. The fact that this has been ongoing for

 such a long period of time has me more concerned with appy.

 I also would have thought it was maybe ectopic because it 

seems to be intermittent pain at this point but again, with

 the SA analysis results, it seems highly unlikely. Either way, awful. 

I would like answers but I kind of doubt I'll get any at this point.

What's Next

There was a job that came open last week that I initially

wasn't sure I even wanted. As I prepared for the interview, thinking

 of all the reasons why this job would be a good fit, I convinced 

myself that maybe this is exactly what Ive been looking for.

Regular hours, more career advancement, some new learning

opportunities. Needless to say, someone more senior got the job. 

Although I'm disappointed, I would have chosen her too.

My procrastination with my certificate caught up with me. 

I just keep feeling like I'm putting our life on hold, waiting for a babe

to make an appearance. What if that isn't in the cards for us?!?!

How long will it take for that dream to become a reality?!?!

It's not something that we can even plan out at this point.

I've considered going back to school for the last few years.

I like my job but that's what it is. A job. If we never have 

a babe, our careers are going to end up being 

an important part of our life. I want to enjoy my job and

be able to make it rewarding. I want to be able to have a

 job that will give us the oppotunity to move to Victoria. 

In the time we've been in pursuit of a

babe, I could be finished my degree! That's a long fricken time

we've been waiting in limbo. Obviously being a student and 

being pregnant are not very conducive but in reality it 

could be years before that happens and if it does, then it

would be a dream come true and we will make it work.

I'm just ready to jump off the roller coaster and take control

of a few things. I can't just sit around expecting things to change

but not be actively changing it! Soooooo.... I officially applied
 for school last night when I was at work.

Luckily I've already taken half the course in the first year so it should

be a pretty standard work load. Time table dependent, I'm hoping I can 

keep my .7 and just plug away. I can't see why I wouldn't be able

to manage the first year. Year two might be a bit of a juggle but it's 

only one year. In the meantime, I have something exciting to

look forward to. It feels good to be taking more control 

of our life and building the future we want.

First Exposure

I needed to go to the fertility clinic here in Calgary, to
pick up a supplement for Rhys. I had never been to the
Regional Fertility Program, and boy was I nervous.
I don't know what came over me but as I sat in the car,
I had do a few breathing excersises. I all of a sudden felt
short of breath and all clammy, heart pounding. It
didn't help that my car started acting funny while
I pulled into the parkade.
When the clinic finally opened at 07:30, I headed in
to find the pharmacy and I wasn't expecting that it was actually
just a little window in the fertility clinic waiting room.
The pharmacy didn't open until 07:45 so I had to have a seat in the
waiting room. I can't belive how fricken busy that place is.

I was floored. It was insane. I grabbed a chair

and sat there people watching, as people were called

number by number.  This overwhelming sense of loss came over me

. All these families, all these women, are going 

through the exact same thing I am.

I know that they, just like I, have laid on their bathroom floor

and cried over why my body has failed me, and why I've

failed my body. I know that they've purchased

hundreds of dollars in pregnancy tests, that all show up with one 

single line. I know that they've put on brave faces 

while they felt like they were suffocating

as you listen to hours of your friends talk about their babies. I know

what it's like to be on the receiving end of complaining texts

of friends talking about their babies and feel guilty for feeling sorry for yourself.

 There is a sisterhood in infertility.

P.S I totally saw one of the Radiologists I work with as I was leaving,

and I totally hid behind a door. 

The Dreaded Interview

I applied for a new position at the hospital I currently

work at. Same job, different FTE, different shift.

I was hesitant to even apply because I think that the crazy

IVF cycle would work better with my current .7 nights

rotation. BUT, I'm also feeling really tired. I've been working

straight nights for the last 3 years and before that I worked

2 years of evenings. I've been a .7 {1 week on, 1 week off} for 

the last 5 years, and while it has been good to me, it is 

also half of my weekends GONE. Rhys works Mon-Fri,

which means we only spend 4 days a month together. 

I'm ready for a bit more work/life balance and 

if I have to take my sick bank or vacation time while

I'm doing IVF, then I will just have to do that.

The interview actually went really well. I prepped by going

over the 50 most common interview questions and it also had 

a few basic tips on answers. Overall that really helped me articulate.

Often in the past, I had a hard time saying what my strengths

are and I no problem saying what my 

weak areas are. The review beforehand had awesome tips for

how to navigate that! I also love my manager and supervisor, so 

that made the interview a ton easier as well. 

In the end, they said they needed to consult the union to see

if they could make work what they wanted. It sounded like, if they

had to support of the union, I would have the job... 

That being said, someone with more seniority and their CTIC

applied which means I very well might have to wait until 

something else opens up. I should know sometime next week.

I'm definitely not holding my breath but man would

it be nice to have a bit more balance!

Either way, I got a new necklace out of the deal. 

LoVe ExChAnGe

I was so excited when one of the lovely ladies from our

infertility group offered to put together a Valentine's card exchange.

I was too late in signing up for the Christmas one and was so 

disappointed that I missed it. This one had a huge response 

with 68 ladies signing up, so I opted to partake in the smaller

 group. I had such a fun time writing messages and sending out

a little love. I also received some really thoughtful packages that came

without warning. It is no nice to be thought of and knowing that 

there are lots of ladies who know exactly what you're going through.

It was such a delight getting my mail this week and having all these cards to

look forward to!

Nutra-Ception

I zipped down the hill to the Regional

Fertility Program pharmacy after my shift was over on
Monday morning to pick up a supplement developed
by the RE's and Urologists there. It's called
 Nutra-Ception, and apparently helps with 

sperm morph. We'll see. It also states that it needs to be

taken for 3 consecutive months for it to show any

quality improvement. It might end up lining up perfectly

for when we get our appointment. I'm excited and hopeful to see if 

it works. That would be amazing. I know we would still

end up needing ICSI but maybe it would

give it that much more of a boost to be successful. Time will tell.

WW Week One

Overall, week one went fairly smoothly. I know I need

to do a bit more planning and meal prep for my week of work. 

I ate a ton of Subway salads, which were really satisfying and

did the trick! I found a couple easy things to be able to whip 

up from M&M meatshops, which taste like cheat

meals and are low in SP. This week, my goal is to drink more

water and keep focused on eating most of my points daily. Last

week there were numerous days that I only ate half my points. 

Probably why I was hungry!

Monday Morning Thoughts

 

As I sat in my car waiting for the clinic

to open, I started thinking to myself that this isn't what I want.

These are some of my thoughts I wrote down at the moment...

"I'm not going in", "I'm not even going to the clinic, I'm just grabbing supplements", 

"Nobody will remember you in 4-6 months", "I'm too fat for this",

 "I'm not going to make a good first impression"... 

Holy, social anxiety for the win. Jeez. I've made so much progress but

 I need to remember that it will be a battle for the rest of my life and it's 

something I need to continue to work on and put effort into. Infertility

 isn't just the battle against your body. It isn't just about

 the physical parts of you that are failing you. It 

is so much more. It's about the little conversations

 that happen in your head. It's about the feelings of not

 being good enough. It's about feeling like you don't deserve this.

I 

7 of 7

I'm stoked to be done my final shift in 2.5 hours... and 

I'm definitely counting the minutes. 

I looked at my calendar this morning and although

it looks like there isn't much on the slate for the 

week, I have a gut feeling that it's going to end up being a 

busy one. I know I need a couple friend dates as well
as following up with my referrals. Currently I'm waiting for 2
referrals to go through. Hopefully the one with the RE for myself
will be ready to schedule in the next 2 weeks or so. I also need
to get some blood work done for my liver enzymes and set up
an ultrasound follow up for the cyst.
Somewhere in there, I'm hoping to catch up on some sleep. I
have some major eye bags going on right now. Thumb down!

Relief

I almost feel guilty for writing this. Almost. 

The sadness of last weeks news, has turned into bliss.

Bliss... yes, bliss. I feel the weight of the world, off my 

shoulders right now. While I know that this is temporary and 

we have an even bigger battle to fight, I needed a break. 

I need to lick my wounds, let me soul heal, and be 

ready to fight once again. I'm thinking I have approx. 6 months

until we get our consultation with the Regional Fertility Program.

I'm hoping to use that time wisely and get as healthy as

possible. My spirit already feels lighter though. Even this

temporary break feels like it was "meant to be".

New Member

I finally bit the bullet and joined Weight Watchers. I've contemplated 

joining on and off for the last few years but I wasn't brave enough

to just go! Why was I afraid of the judgement of a bunch of

people who were also members?!?!?!

Social anxiety makes things quite distorted from reality. 

It was also proof as to how far I've come in the last year with

anxiety. I'm so hoping that this is just one more step in

my health journey. Getting the news last week that IVF was 

a for sure, kind of gave me a kick in the ass to get my $h!t together!

I just want to be as healthy as possible so that IVF doesn't take a 

huge toll. {wishful thinking, I know}... Anyway, thanks for 

following along and for all the well wishes and support today! 

My Family

Rhys is still a tad withdrawn from the emotional 

turbulence of the week. I was really shocked by the news

but I'm not feeling the hangover from it either.

Perhaps because it isn't me? Maybe because I'm not 

feeling the weight of the guilt? Not exactly sure. He

seems to be handling this in waves. He's fine for a few hours 

and then sad for a few. He's also been angry, confused,

in denial.... it really has passed most of the grief stages.

I guess that's normal? No clue. I'm not a therapist. 

But observations seem to say that's exactly what's going on. 

He came home from work Thursday and was in a pleasant mood.

He said he was feeling more settled with this. The night went 

smoothly and I thought we were in the clear. 

When he got home from work on Friday, he seemed

a little bit off but I didn't think too much of it because the

day before he was fine.

He was about to climb into the 

and said "I've been thinking about it, and I think we should 

split up. There's still lots of time for you to meet someone else, 

and have a family".

{insert stomach drop here}

Rhys is my family. 

So of course, that's what I told him.

He got teary eyed, said "okay" and turned around and 

hopped in the shower.

I guess it will take a bit more time for the sting to go away.

Waitlisted

January 26th 2016 will be one of those days burned into you.
 "100% of Rhys' sperm have morphology.
You will definitely need IVF with ICSI".... and then the flood gates opened.
 I blinked a few times, trying to get the tears under control.
 "I'm so sorry" is what officially did me in.
Never words you want to hear, coming from your doctors mouth.
The rest of the appointment is a bit of a blur. I always thought
 it was dumb, whenpeople said they got bad medical news
, and somehow disassociated. I kind of thought "those"
 people were idiots. Pay attention man, this is important!
But there I was, thinking in my head
-"pull yourself together", "this is ridiculous", "you're making her uncomfortable".
I remember her saying that Calgary had the second best fertility
program in Canada and "if anyone will get you pregnant, they will"...
I'm not sure if that's reassuring anymore!I then walked through the hospital,
crying. Looking like a complete fool.{And took an obligatory selfie to mark the date}
I had made prior arrangements to go see a friend.
{because remember- the nurse was an idiot}
All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and shut out the world.
How was I going to tell Rhys?
 What would I even say?

Why was this happening to us?

 

I knew that Rhys would be upset. I was not prepared forthe utter devastation.

 The immediate guttural breakdown.

 It was truly the most heartbreaking moment of our marriage. 

The last few days have been very raw. Small moments havecaught both of us off guard. 

Infertility changes people. 

That, I know to be true.I also know that we have grown

 together for the most part. This has proven to be the most 

difficult. We weren't prepared.Yet we will move forward. We are lucky. 

We have options, when many others don't .