Waitlisted

January 26th 2016 will be one of those days burned into you.
 "100% of Rhys' sperm have morphology.
You will definitely need IVF with ICSI".... and then the flood gates opened.
 I blinked a few times, trying to get the tears under control.
 "I'm so sorry" is what officially did me in.
Never words you want to hear, coming from your doctors mouth.
The rest of the appointment is a bit of a blur. I always thought
 it was dumb, whenpeople said they got bad medical news
, and somehow disassociated. I kind of thought "those"
 people were idiots. Pay attention man, this is important!
But there I was, thinking in my head
-"pull yourself together", "this is ridiculous", "you're making her uncomfortable".
I remember her saying that Calgary had the second best fertility
program in Canada and "if anyone will get you pregnant, they will"...
I'm not sure if that's reassuring anymore!I then walked through the hospital,
crying. Looking like a complete fool.{And took an obligatory selfie to mark the date}
I had made prior arrangements to go see a friend.
{because remember- the nurse was an idiot}
All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and shut out the world.
How was I going to tell Rhys?
 What would I even say?

Why was this happening to us?

 

I knew that Rhys would be upset. I was not prepared forthe utter devastation.

 The immediate guttural breakdown.

 It was truly the most heartbreaking moment of our marriage. 

The last few days have been very raw. Small moments havecaught both of us off guard. 

Infertility changes people. 

That, I know to be true.I also know that we have grown

 together for the most part. This has proven to be the most 

difficult. We weren't prepared.Yet we will move forward. We are lucky. 

We have options, when many others don't .